164: Releasing Pain

The week end had been a painful one. Well, as far as I expected I should be baptized by last Sunday, but Pastor Man cancelled it to be resumed this Saturday. Anyway, I am not hurt because of the cancelled baptism, although it would be ideal if I’ll be baptized on a Sunday instead of a Saturday.

This Saturday woke me up with very not nice things, things that would blow my temper off. I couldn’t face this fact, that I hurriedly took a bath and went to FBC. I had no other place to run to, so FBC was the first choice to go to, hoping that the stillness of the place would calm my mood.

When I got there, I saw ate Mylin and she invited me to attend the Jabez prayer meeting. Well, okay, since I have nothing better to do. It was kind a weird, I don’t know what to expect really. I just sat there.

The March Ka-birth has a special focus of that day’s gathering and they have the privilege to speak up their personal prayer requests and say a little testimonial.
Perhaps, they thought that I’m part of the March ka-birth, ate Violy asked for my prayer request.

Deep inside I was telling myself, “Oh my gosh, get a hold of yourself. Don’t burst out.” I got myself collected in a matter of seconds; I didn’t know what to say.

I just slowly said, “I am praying for a new job. Also, for my family that someday they will eventually attend the church. It’s been eight years, and there’s a complicated situation behind that.” I also said, “I am thankful to the Lord that He has given me the courage to attend the church... and soon to be baptized."

That’s it. I got teary eyes, good thing I’m wearing my lightly tinted eye glasses. I wish I could tell them that I’m having a heavy burden right now that’s why I’m early here.
Attending Jabez is great actually; I felt my burden was lessened somehow.

After that, I went ‘mall touring’ and ‘road tripping’ with the Pinpin family. I was somehow able to tell my dilemma with mam Amor. She did advise me indirectly some things, but still I tend to not to abide some. I know if I ever decide to leave my place, I will still never be happy about the situation. I don’t want to live a peaceful life while my family does not.
At least, my time spent with the Pinpin family even help me to aspire more for a better family. Hope is such a strengthening thing.

I went home late; actually I dropped by to the near Internet rental shop first. Just to let my mind off to the problem that’s been scarring me. I wrote the poem, “Sometimes I Want to Give Up”, because that’s what I really feel that time.
In a way, I was able to speak my mind about what I want to do – give up. If I don’t have a God to entrust my life with, most probably I did give up a long time ago.

Moments later that, Knight asked me something about the Anime IPPO. Somehow, that question reminded me of a strong and good character exhibited by Ippo Makuonouchi. And it did somehow brought another little spec of self-encouragement that this problem is just another round in the boxing ring.

The next morning is Sunday; I tend not to exhibit any sadness in my heart to anyone. I’d like to keep it to myself. It was a fine day, though once in a while I get to remember my tight spot. I thought once again, it would be best if my family would turn themselves to the Lord. Maybe this burden won’t be happening. Again, I just believe that God has a purpose for this. What is it, I don’t know yet.

That night, I got a video CD. Its title is “In the Beginning”. It is a Bible movie; I haven’t finished watching it yet. I thanked the giver about the CD which started a conversation. At first it was a light and fun conversation, but when the topic shifted about the baptism and my family, the mood changed. I guess, the pain in my heart was awakened by the sudden question regarding it. And unconsciously, I blurted out my real problem to Watcher. Maybe I trust that Watcher won’t tell a soul about my problem. I really have no intention to tell it to him, but hey, it just happened. I felt like I just backstabbed my family.

The next day, I also had a fun chat with Knight. And he told me that in a sense I never really backstabbed my mother; it’s a good thing to release those pain, ‘lason sa heart’ as he said it. Actually, I never get the term ‘lason sa heart’ in its truest essence. I just have to be careful to whom I should release those pains, and I should also be aware about myself.

Little by little, my pain is soothing. I was able to write the poem "My Battleground" last night.

But still, the pain is still here... it’s still quite heavy.

Honestly, right now, while I’m writing this narration, I just realized what I haven’t done yet - - - it’s having a serious talk with my Father. Yes, I do pray about it everyday. But this time, I think this call for a real heart to heart talk.

I haven’t TOTALLY released it to HIM.

So I think, I’d be having a busy night this evening; a meeting with BOSS ALMIGHTY.