163: Sickly Sick

I just can’t believe this, I am sick! After two nights of busy exhibit ingress at Glorietta, my body finally gave up. And I just hate this feeling of being sick! Oh gosh, I never want this to happen again. I think it’s that softdrink that gave me a really upset stomach.

Hmm…

While I was eating at Jolibee Glorietta the other night, I was really sad during
that time. I was having my dinner alone, and I’ve been watching the people
around me. There are those who eat with their friends, their colleagues,
their dates and their family. While me, stuck there alone eating a good
set of meal on my own. I felt lonely again. I thought, what a busy
yet lonely days I’ve been having lately. I was writing on my planner, “ang
lungkot ko talaga… nobody who truly cares for me…”

After my meal, which I ate for more than an hour, I took a stroll
around Glorietta mall. I thought, it would be fun if I have someone to
walk with along. But then, who would I call up for a stroll?
Everybody is busy as well. I thought I go watch a movie at the cinema, but
I’m afraid I might get sleepy inside. So I sat by the bench and waited for
time to pass by. Setup starts by 9:00 pm.

When the Glorietta
Admin announced that the mall is about to close, I went to the activity center
and good thing I saw my office mate preparing for the setup.

As
soon as the others arrived, I did what I have to do. Moments later, I
suddenly felt dizzy, so I just sat quietly while supervising the carpenters what
to do, and where to place what. They were teasing me, I said, shut off I’m
not feeling well.

I knew I was so tired and won’t last for the
night, so I bid farewell and asked kuya John to call a cab for me. Walking
outside, I threw up! Yucky yuck! I was messing up in
Glorietta! I couldn’t help it. I was woozy and would like to throw
up everything I ate. I threw up twice at Glorietta. Total
humiliation!

When I got home, I went straight to
bed.

By 1:00 AM I woke up because of the dizziness. I called
for my mother, thru my mobile phone, and then I started throwing up again.
The next day, I didn’t attend to work, and I really felt terrible. I keep
of throwing up although I had nothing left to throw up because I can’t seem to
eat anything.

Today, I’m still here at home. I’m
planning to work after lunch. But I don’t know. I still feel quite
terrible.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say on this entry… the other night, when I’m grunting about ‘nobody cares’ thingy--- this upset stomach has taught me, that somebody still care for me. The way my mother was concerned about me yesterday, certainly was a nice answer for my grunts.

And

I’m really starting to worry about my health. And right now, I’m still thinking if I should go to work.

…and I think I won’t.

162: Random Thoughts

As of now, I could not think of a reason why I haven’t seriously blogging lately. No words would just come out of my thoughts. That’s why, again, I am free writing; I am hoping that at the end of this composition I would have subconsciously pinned-point the reason.

I guess the decision of not blogging for the whole month of January had caused this sudden inactive mind for writing. Hmm, but on the brighter side, I was able to be a part of a group of real people. I think my ‘loner’ days are over; although still, I don’t have that solid friend just for me which I have always longed for years and years… and I’m still waiting. (That’s what I’m good at, I guess, just quietly waiting.)

As I have said, I had always been a loner. And if you’d browse my old blog entries, it will still deal around about being lonely. I believe that those lonely days are coming to its near end.

I just have noticed that it’s quite hard to have an exclusive friend at the age of twenty. Probably because most people of my age are now longing or having their life time partners to spend most of their time with. You know, singles dating with the opposite sex, and in-love someone’s would be busy dreaming about their special someone’s rather than hanging out with ‘just-friends’. And also maybe because, they have always had a friend who grew up with them; this is just an opinion.

Anyways, I’m having random thoughts here. Right now, honestly, I’m quite broken hearted. One, I have been missing my ‘X’ bf for no special reason; it’s been more than a year since we broke up. Two, at home, I feel like they only care about me being a financial-supporter. Three, at work, I am demoralized by the fact that my salary isn’t increasing. Four, at church, nothing really… my mind is just confused. Five and finally, I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I’ve been really busy for the past two weeks because of the upcoming BPI exhibit next week at Glorietta. Busy in supervising the construction of the display systems, canvassing the materials to be used, layouts for the merchandising and advertising print outs, etcetera and etcetera. And the BPI exhibit next week is not the sole project I have in hand right now. I have one in Festival Mall, Alabang Town Center and two more at Pampangga. I also have window display at SM Cebu due by March 5. Oh geez! Talk about career pressure! (Now, that’s the reason why I have been grunting in my mind about salary increase.)

I am also having a hard time in creating a layout for the LA MUJER ladies fellowship. And until now I am not yet done with the revised layout. The deadline, it’s tomorrow. Wha!!! Church ministry could really eat time also. It’s fine. It’s for the Lord. And this is what I really want. That’s why I call my career-job as my side line job, for my real job is being Christ’s steward.

Oh well, just having random thoughts…

Originally written: 02.21.07

0161: Empty it Up!

Here’s a text message:

“When God takes away something from your grasp, He is not punishing you, but
merely emptying your hand for you to receive something better.”

Last week, my phone was broken. First, it lost all my contacts, totally erased from the phone’s memory without backup. It is fine by me; I can still use the phone. The next night, it finally crashed and won’t open up properly. It just keeps on hanging up. So the day after that, I was phone-less. I admit it’s quite refreshing having no one to bother you through SMS communication, and no phone calls from work people.

My phone was full of information of how my year was; from the calendar with full of notes and reminders, message folders with messages as old as year 2004, and phone contact details and photos since year 2005. Most are files that I don’t have the heart to delete because of ‘sentimental’ values; reminders of past events that serves no contribution for the present but just plain memento.

My cell phone is the only way most people can contact me, and right then, I badly need a cell phone due to work duties and other responsibilities. So as soon as I had the time, I went to the nearest phone repair shop.

The repairman said, my phone needs to be formatted, meaning it would erase everything inside the phone’s memory. Though I was having resentments, I had no choice. I thought those files that I kept, gone forever.

When I had my phone back, it’s empty. Everything is back to default setting. Quite cool actually, it looked so clean and plain. It’s a nice way to store up memories again, segregate which are worth keeping. Most probably because of the phone’s old age, it has been malfunctioning for the past months. I thought it was the sim’s problem that’s why it’s one of the reasons I decided to change sim card last year.

And, additional to that, I get to have noticed other phone features that were once deleted from the phone once - Old features that seems new to me.

Crossed my mind lately…

At times, I hate the situation when I tend to be forgetful…

One example is the time before I had an accident. Back then I was a smart, intelligent woman. Without much effort I could easily understand something. Design conceptualization was actually an easy task for me. I like designing complicated structures that are aesthetical and multifunctional as well. In short, I had an edge, whether it is a minor or major subject, creative or intellectual. Putting aside of being a show-off, I was really knowledgeable back then, but a quiet one, because I do not really like showing off what I can do, and I also hate competing skills with others. And yeah, when I was in college, I study for the plain reason of being in college as society requires it. As I have said on one of my earlier posts, I focused more on having friends when I was in college. So there, without much effort on really studying, I was able to make it through college. (Isn’t God so nice?)

When I had the accident, about a month before my thesis submission, everything turned upside down. I was really stupid due to the trauma caused to my brain. If I could remember it right, I was having nauseas just for reading. But I was determined that time to finish school, so despite the fact that I barely remember my interior design course, I still pursued to finish my thesis. And I really thank God for that.

And when I got my fist job, I was still the dim-witted, amnesiac girl. (forgetful, slow learner, etc.) I was so disappointed with myself. I find my brain a near empty one.

And it gets ‘emptier’ as days goes by… thus finding myself ‘useless’.

Anyways, now I understand why God had allowed me to be empty-headed. Maybe, if up to now I am still that scholarly girl, I will still be the proud Art who wouldn’t dare to ask for anyone’s help. My mind would be full of selfish ‘I’ and ‘me’.

It wouldn’t lead me to SEARCHING FOR WHAT REALLY MATTERS IN LIFE. Perhaps, I would be still the skillful Art without a sense of purpose. Anybody can be skillful, but do they actually find their lives living of value, of worth? I should know I once was a skillful one, jack of all trades as they say it, but still, back then I find my work futile.

And aside from that, if I still have those loads of information in my head, I wouldn’t have enough space to store up the lessons that I’ve been learning right now from God; great life lessons that are usually overlooked.

And, yeah, one more thing, if I still have that braniac mind, most likely, I would depend on my own skills rather than depend on God.

So there, despite of those unwanted events in my life and this ‘stupidity’, I am grateful God had allowed me to be broken so He can fix me.

And also, I remember the preaching last Sunday. Acts 20: 19 – “Serving the Lord with all HUMILITY in MIND…” Pastor M.R. said, our minds should be emptied for God. Possibly, cleaning up our minds, trashing away the junks so that there will be enough space for brand new and Godly ones that Jesus left in our hearts.

I remember the poem I wrote, The Basket. Jesus cleansed our hearts and left the fruits of the Holy Spirit to help us. I pray that the fruits will grow in me.

Honestly, when I look back at that poem, though I did some research, I still wonder what enabled me to write that poem. Hmm, maybe the Holy Spirit was operating in me. Cool.
01.29.07

the ARTIST

Career wise, I’m an interior design consultant, a graphic artist, a painter

– in short, a visual artist.

Though, once in my life I thought I am going to be a musician by profession, God had opened up a new window for me – being a visual artist.

Presently, I am working as a Designer for Visual Merchandise for an appliances company. I also do part time jobs in graphic designs for commercial purposes. But what I enjoy most is when I get to use my talents in helping in the work of the Lord, and giving the credits to God.

As defined in my college subject Humanities,

generally,

ART is a skill of doing something - Way of Living.

A Way of Living - A Lifestyle

That gave you the biggest idea for the title I chose for this blog site.

THE ART OF WALKING WITH GOD.

And I really intend to change my lifestyle little by little, by God’s Grace,

in order to meet my goal of pleasing God.

A new lifestyle.


Ecc 12:13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.

the AMNESIAC

Basically, being forgetful...similar to having amnesia.

Oh well, in the twelfth month of year 2004, I suffered a ‘strange’ accident.

Why did I call it ‘strange’?

Simply because, my friend, who is accompanying me that time, is the one who should have been hit by the raging bike; but instead, I was the one who was the victim of the collision. And we still wonder how did that happen?

Yes! I was hit by a simple bike that caused slight damage in my head and rumbled up my memory cells. There’s those seems to be endless vertigo, nauseas, memory gaps and the likes.

The effects of the accident? Vertigo, nausea, memory gaps; and until now I quite suffer those. I hate the part of having memory gaps, but I believe everything that happens in life has a purpose.

Bottom line, in the end, I still found myself in God’s arms, our Creator.
And though I have forgotten much about my past life, and I admit that I have forgotten the church’s Biblical doctrines, I’m still pursuing this search.

What matters most is I believed the most important Doctrine, in believing Jesus Christ as our Saviour.

I simply place Faith in Him, and He’ll do what’s best.

Heb 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

the BACKSLIDER

Yup, that’s how I described my self on the main page of this blog site;

a ‘once-upon-a-time’ backslider and ‘amnesiac’ artist

– kind a fictional in description.

Though nobody ever told or thought me of as a backslider*, and honestly I never even thought of myself being a backslider back then;

I would like to describe my past eight years as a backslider.

* backslider (in my own opinion) – in Christian terms,
one who never attended church, never obeyed God’s Word; a child of God who had chosen to conform with the world in stead of listening to the conviction of the
Spirit

I had no choice back then when I was younger. When my parents separated, I went away with my mother, and this means leaving the place that I have grown up with; a Christian environment – a Christian school, with Christian friends, Christian Church and Christian activities. It also means leaving my self-gratifying activities like being a pianist, violinist, a teacher and other activities that I use to do. I had lots of activities even at a young age of fourteen; God had blessed me with lots of talents and skills.

I stopped school as we move from place to place. All of these things I let go just to make my mother, brother and sister live a free life.

I never forgot the good things that I have learned before the separation. For eight years I have lived a worldly life – the typical, average human life. Not that I do any vices, to the point that they find me weird in my ways, as I refuse the ‘usual’ things that they do like drinking, smoking and even partying.

I lived a quite pleasing life and attitudes towards myself and the people around me.

Sounds appropriate, but that was the first mistake I did.

You see, the greatest thing that I have learned in my life is that I should not put anyone else above God.

Here’s the logic based on my personal experience:

When my mother decided to leave my father, she asked us if we agree.

My mother is a battered wife, and I swear, the only memories that I retain about my father are the moments when he beats my mother. Those are painful memories that rooted in me since the moment I have consciousness about the things around me.

And I have always hated my father, his attitude towards us.

And yes, my siblings and I agreed upon the separation.

And I have cried the last teardrop during their last fight.

Though I know that it was wrong to agree on a separation that God united (although my parents were not really married), I still allowed it to happen.

I loved my mother above my God.

There’s nothing wrong in loving our parents, all will agree with that, but to persuade something wrong will not be love anymore.

Aside from that, my mother made a very wrong move on that decision, and the decisions after that… and until now, she’s still making wrong decisions too. (I’m not ready to share the specifics). I also learned is that a mistake cannot be corrected by another mistake. Negative plus negative will always have a sum of negativity.


One mistake, led to another.

And the victims? Herself and Us, the kids.

Made me think lately, if in the first place I have obeyed the conviction within me and did the right thing, things would not have gone any worse.

If I have loved God above else and obeyed His commandments, I should have not allowed my family to make the wrong decisions.

At the age of 14, I knew it was wrong. God has granted me the wisdom.

But I never had the will to stand for what I believe in. I’m not making my young age an excuse, though it’s one of those tiny factors. I know I just don’t have the strength to fight for my belief on what MUST be done, because a lot of options were there to prevent a broken family life.

Emotions are really weakening. I love my mother that’s why I agreed, I hated my father that’s why I wanted to leave him. And though, I know God’s commandments and I know that He’ll help me. I still thought that I know the right way away from this situation, affirm to my emotions. We escaped – an easy decision to make.

I loved my family, so we left
I loved myself, so I agreed
Now where did I place God within my heart?
Somewhere in the attic, I guess.

Now, for me, that’s backsliding.

Ex 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.