the BACKSLIDER

Yup, that’s how I described my self on the main page of this blog site;

a ‘once-upon-a-time’ backslider and ‘amnesiac’ artist

– kind a fictional in description.

Though nobody ever told or thought me of as a backslider*, and honestly I never even thought of myself being a backslider back then;

I would like to describe my past eight years as a backslider.

* backslider (in my own opinion) – in Christian terms,
one who never attended church, never obeyed God’s Word; a child of God who had chosen to conform with the world in stead of listening to the conviction of the
Spirit

I had no choice back then when I was younger. When my parents separated, I went away with my mother, and this means leaving the place that I have grown up with; a Christian environment – a Christian school, with Christian friends, Christian Church and Christian activities. It also means leaving my self-gratifying activities like being a pianist, violinist, a teacher and other activities that I use to do. I had lots of activities even at a young age of fourteen; God had blessed me with lots of talents and skills.

I stopped school as we move from place to place. All of these things I let go just to make my mother, brother and sister live a free life.

I never forgot the good things that I have learned before the separation. For eight years I have lived a worldly life – the typical, average human life. Not that I do any vices, to the point that they find me weird in my ways, as I refuse the ‘usual’ things that they do like drinking, smoking and even partying.

I lived a quite pleasing life and attitudes towards myself and the people around me.

Sounds appropriate, but that was the first mistake I did.

You see, the greatest thing that I have learned in my life is that I should not put anyone else above God.

Here’s the logic based on my personal experience:

When my mother decided to leave my father, she asked us if we agree.

My mother is a battered wife, and I swear, the only memories that I retain about my father are the moments when he beats my mother. Those are painful memories that rooted in me since the moment I have consciousness about the things around me.

And I have always hated my father, his attitude towards us.

And yes, my siblings and I agreed upon the separation.

And I have cried the last teardrop during their last fight.

Though I know that it was wrong to agree on a separation that God united (although my parents were not really married), I still allowed it to happen.

I loved my mother above my God.

There’s nothing wrong in loving our parents, all will agree with that, but to persuade something wrong will not be love anymore.

Aside from that, my mother made a very wrong move on that decision, and the decisions after that… and until now, she’s still making wrong decisions too. (I’m not ready to share the specifics). I also learned is that a mistake cannot be corrected by another mistake. Negative plus negative will always have a sum of negativity.


One mistake, led to another.

And the victims? Herself and Us, the kids.

Made me think lately, if in the first place I have obeyed the conviction within me and did the right thing, things would not have gone any worse.

If I have loved God above else and obeyed His commandments, I should have not allowed my family to make the wrong decisions.

At the age of 14, I knew it was wrong. God has granted me the wisdom.

But I never had the will to stand for what I believe in. I’m not making my young age an excuse, though it’s one of those tiny factors. I know I just don’t have the strength to fight for my belief on what MUST be done, because a lot of options were there to prevent a broken family life.

Emotions are really weakening. I love my mother that’s why I agreed, I hated my father that’s why I wanted to leave him. And though, I know God’s commandments and I know that He’ll help me. I still thought that I know the right way away from this situation, affirm to my emotions. We escaped – an easy decision to make.

I loved my family, so we left
I loved myself, so I agreed
Now where did I place God within my heart?
Somewhere in the attic, I guess.

Now, for me, that’s backsliding.

Ex 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.